Im a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm

I'm going back to Pella. The Des Moines move didn't work out, no room and all this other stuff. but I figure It'll be good. I should probably focus on: getting a job/going to school still and then after all of that stuff is complete, I can just transfer to a different music college 'round the states. I'm not really bummed for not fully moving to Des Moines, I know less than like 4 people. I haven't seen any of them in months, so it doesn't really matter if I'm here or in Pella, I would do the exact same thing that I was doing in Pella down here.

I think I'm also going to focus on my guitarrrrrr [of lack of] skills, I've been playing some music easy indie/folk pop stuff that I can't shred anymore [not that I could really shred that much anyways] but yeah, once I start practicing and learning more, before the school and at the school. I think I'll be way happier as a musician then I am now.

Also, to note, I'm not going to worry about "falling in love" or any of that shit, the above statements are way more important to me then any girl will ever be.

I'm really happy right now. I listened to my friends new band. Its good stuff. I'm slowly figuring out what I am/need to do, smoking cigars, listening to Iggy Pop. Wow, life is amazing.

"Look out honey, cause I'm using technology
Ain't got time to make no apology
Soul radiation in the dead of night
Love in the middle of a fire fight"

Electric Warrior

I'm going home tonight.
Jennie's mom is having surgery in Chicago, so shes leaving for a few days, I'm going back home. I think what I will do is look for a job in Pella and then move into an apt there, that seems like the easiest thing to do right now.

I'm not sure, what I should do with my life yet.
blah blah blah.

You outta be proud that I'm making good marks.

I'm in dire need of a cigarette, and of some attention. I need some love right now and the worst part is I cant even come up with a reason on why I'm feeling like this. I wish I had some sort of money, so I could get some cigarettes. I wish I wasn't and didn't feel so alone right now.

Move on to the next one, I'll move down to the next one in a line. [repeat].
That is how its been for so long, I gave up a long time ago of attempting to find a nice relationship. I can't do it, is it that impossible for me.

I don't know which is worse: [both which has happened plenty of times before]
knowing you can't have something with a person.
or having them tell you they don't want anything like that now, and end up with someone else weeks later or so.

I've slowly come to the conclusion that I'll probably feel like this for a while or even forever.
I'm 20, things will probably be like this when I'm 30.

I'm too pessimistic.
I wish there was some optimism.



Fuck,
I'm tired, I rambled, I'm lonely.

I'm going to take my medicine and head for bed. [or try to at least].

Well we drank champagne and danced all night.

I need something new in my life, whether it is something that is a big change: a new band, a girl or something really small: cigarette brand, new socks. I find myself wanting something new daily.

At least I think I need something new. The last 3 months of me being inside my attic, I think people felt a bit sorry for me, being couped inside for 3 months. I, on the other hand, enjoyed every single bit of it. Maybe that's why I'm in Des Moines now, It's not far from home, but its far enough for me to be on my own and attempt to find myself. I need this change of scenery, this change of lifestyle. I cant wait to see if I can get a job up here, I think that would be the best thing for me. Even though I feel like I'm letting some of my friends down, just kind of bailing. I didn't tell anyone, I left way before I told people I was.

Being here, just makes me want to leave even farther though, head out to Portland, Texas, or like New York.

I wish I had the funds to do that.
maybe someday in the future I can, but right now, I'll just chain-smoke and enjoy where I am.

This time tomorrow.

I just up and moved away from home. I wouldn't say that I just moved, more or less its like I am on a vacation. I'm sitting in my friend Jenny's apt in the drake area of Des Moines, her random pets are making noise, but not in an annoying way. I'm finding comfort listening to her parrot behind the melodies of The Kinks.

Out of cigarettes, outta money. Job searching tomorrow or this week, whenever I'll be able to. Jenny has to work tomorrow from noon til about 8. I think I will write as much music as I possibly can. I think I may like living here for awhile. One of the last things my mother said to me was "Dustin, cant you wait to move later?" and of course, "Dustin, be safe, I love you, I'm going to miss you making noise late at night going up the stairs."

Is it a bad thing to feel so good, about leaving without notice?